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If there are any questions regarding this privacy policy you may contact us using the information below. He was a goddamned bull fighter, people! All he had to do to beat the bull was to time the jab right. Johnson's wang had an equally impressive life. Why are there not high schools named after this man?

In a dick move worthy of the bearded EPA guy from Ghostbustersauthorities convicted Johnson of violating the Mann Act by "transporting women across state lines for immoral purposes" in despite the fact that the incidents in question took place before the Mann Act was passed, the woman in question was his future wife and he was goddamn Jack Johnson. Fuck, he's awesome. While in prison, he eschewed the non-macho act of forced sodomy for the very macho acts of smoking cigars, drinking and even inventing and patenting a new type of wrench.

Think about that the next time you're putting together your fruity little IKEA bookshelf. The wrench in your hand may very well have been invented by Jack Johnson How about you fill that shelf with some books about how to grow a pair, Nancy?

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Playing in the ABA in the 70s with its hard-partying, quick to throw a punch, funktastic atmosphere is a good way to get your foot in the door in terms of cool. But to move beyond cool into badass, one would have to go above and beyond.

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That brings us to John Brisker. What does John Brisker in a sombrero and pistols have to do with Pittsburgh or Condors? Answer: Crazy.

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It wasn't just opposing teams that fell victim to Brisker's madness. The man was such a lunatic that his own team had to hire some muscle in an attempt to control him.

During practices, coach Dick Tinkham great name brought in an ex-football player whose sole job was to flatten Brisker the first time he got out of line. When Brisker proved to be too tough, the football player declared that he was going to the locker room to get his gun. Brisker was fine with that, since that gave him time to go to his locker and get his gun. Tinkham decided to cancel practice for the day. How do such large testicles fit in such unsettlingly short shorts?

Being the top authority figure of the ABA did not make you immune to Brisker's wrath either.

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Inimmediately after the All-Star game, Brisker walked up to league commissioner Jack Dolph and demanded his All-Star bonus right then and there. Can you imagine Ron Artest trying to publicly shake down David Stern today? This fucking guy Straight up fucking vanishing.

bliss

InBrisker went to Uganda, either as a mercenary, guest of Idi Amin, or both. After April of that year, he was never heard from again. Speculation is that he was executed by a firing squad, quite possibly the most manly of all deaths this side of death by excessive pussy getting.

The 40 Most Badass Team Names in Pro Sports

Another theory ours is that he survived the firing squad, took on an alias and adapted his diaries into the screenplay for Shaft in Africa.

When you're born with a name like Jack Youngblood, you're actually required by federal law to spend your life blazing a path of badassery the likes of which only other people named Jack Youngblood could hope to follow.

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Pictured: A sketch of the very first Jack Youngblood. The badass bar was set pretty high.

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It's not a question of if, just a question of how. The Jack Youngblood in question here chose to spread his gospel of badassery on the football field; playing consecutive games as an NFL defensive lineman for the Los Angeles Rams for 14 years. By the way, we swear on all that is holy if a single commenter tells us we "fail" because the Rams play in St.

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Louis, we will send Youngblood himself to end you. Holy shit. Just ask the drunken cowboy who pointed a. Fortunately for Youngblood, and most unfortunately for the drunken aggressor, the gun failed to go off.

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Youngblood proceeded to take the gun away, knock the man out and walk away. We assume he then casually dropped a cigarette on a trail of gasoline and never bothered to look back at the ensuing explosion.

How can having a gun to your eye not be the most badass moment in your life?

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For starters, play a Super Bowl with a goddamn broken leg. In the divisional playoffs against Dallas, Jack Youngblood was knocked sideways by a guard and had his fibula "snapped like a pencil. While most players would accept that their season was over and head towards an early retirement of weekly knee replacement surgery and welfare level pension checks, Youngblood threw on a plastic cast and played in the NFC Championship game the next week.

And then again a week later in the Super Bowl.

bed and early

Years later, Youngblood would say, "Look, it felt like a bunch of knives being stabbed into your leg. But I wasn't going to do more damage to a broken leg. Seriously, don't argue. But he wasn't done. A week later he suited up again in the Pro Bowl-a meaningless exhibition annually skipped by dozens of players. Said Youngblood, "You don't miss any of those opportunities. But if you asked him today, he probably would.

In the Olympics, unknown pudgy American wrestler Rulon Gardner came out of nowhere to beat the Russian who was favored to win the gold the Russian won the gold at the last three Olympics and hadn't lost a match in the last 13 years. Comparisons to Rocky IV are tempting, but the matchup was less Rockyish, but more like John Candy versus the giant Grizzly bear in The Great Outdoors ; if the bear was a menacingly stoic communist, which we assume most bears are.

As inspirational as it was, a single Olympic win by itself wouldn't be enough to classify a Mormon dairy farmer as a true badass. And the fact that he only won a bronze medal in the next Olympics might seem like a bit of a letdown, until you consider that by then he had a toe amputated due to frostbite. And that leads us to the meat of Gardner's badass credentials.

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We're just at the tip of the ice-toe-berg. The aforementioned amputated toe was a result of frostbite from being stranded on a wilderness trip after his snowmobile broke down. Years before, in grade school, he was impaled by an arrow during a show-and-tell incident but badass props of his own to the nine-year-old that brought a crossbow for show-and-tell.

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Inhe was hit by a car while he was on his motorcycle. Death's most recent and spectacular attempt on Rulon's life came inwhen he survived a fucking airplane crash. Gardner and two others were onboard when the Cirrus SR crashed into a lake. After impact, the trio swam over an hour in degree water finally shedding the Unbreakable comparisons by showing that water obviously wasn't his kryptonite and then endured overnight without fire or shelter in below freezing temperature.

Then he fought a man on the Great Wall of China. We're not sure if the constant string of disasters prove that God is out to get him, or if his survival shows that Mormonism is the one true religion.

Simply put, Ted Williams may very well have been the most manly American ever. He wanted to be the greatest hitter who ever played baseball, and refused to let anything, including two separate wars, get in the way. He cursed like a sailor, refused to wear a necktie and included his hotel number on autographed baseballs signed for beautiful women.


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